on writing through depression
This is an accompaniment to a vlog I am publishing simultaneously about writing through depression over the summer of 2021. The vlog: https://youtu.be/FfksfPgxGXQ (The vlog and post can be experienced separately, but I think together, they make something I’m very proud of and find meaningful. I hope you do, too.)
I started vlogging my writing of the book I’ve been rewriting in the Inclusive Romance Mentorship Program. (My work in progress title is Ghost Gays.) Since I haven’t asked her about it, I won’t reveal who my mentor is, but she’s fucking awesome and I love her books.
The first clip of this vlog is from July 21, 2021, and I was seriously depressed. Over the next 3 months, I checked in every time I remembered and sat down to work on my book. My mood and mental health fluctuate throughout the vlog, and it’s almost hard for me to watch at points because I know I had just bawled my eyes out before filming, and I’m not usually a crier.
The thing that I’m most proud of is that I kept writing. I kept filming and I kept working on this damn book. It’s been a hard one to write (aren’t they all?). But I’ve managed, over a much longer period than I intended, to write half a book. And I like what I’ve written; I think it’s a really decent half a book (in rough draft form, anyway).
Watching these clips back has shown me how I work through depression, and how much kinder I’ve learned to be to myself about my mental health than I was even two years ago.
This is the second major depression I’ve gone through in my life--the last one was just before my weddingS (yes, there were two of them, hence stress), and brought on by the stress of joining another culture and family. And while it was a wonderful experience, I never want to do it again.
This depression I’m getting out of was brought on by a lot of things at once:
Covid (obviously)--which hadn’t really hit me yet because I was working through it in a place where I was the only one taking it seriously as a health concern (people made fun of me for wearing masks. Yeah, it SUCKED).
Leaving that terrible job, which was awesome, but also, due to the pandemic, kind of forced me into being a hermit without notice.
Also, a broke hermit. I mean, we still have money for bills and things, but to go from a substantial expendable income to NO expendable income was more of a whiplash than I expected.
Anxiety flare up caused by all the alone time I suddenly had.
Heat wave making it too fucking hot to go outside comfortably.
I mean, that’s a big enough list. Moving on.
Thankfully, the nurse with whom I meet four times a year to discuss how my medication (for depression and anxiety) is going noticed just how off my usual game I was and told me, “You need to talk.” She recommended a therapist and I went the next week.
Game Changer. I had been out of therapy for a couple of years, and going back felt like a failure. Like I’d failed at personing. Like I should only need therapy once and then have learned all the lessons I’d ever need. Yeahhhhhh. Thanks, anxiety brain.
I’ve been very blessed by the universe (I’m an atheist) in that both times I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve hit it off with the therapist right away. I realize this is very rare. I think the universe was like “Hey, girl. You are having a shit time and I see that. Here’s a stellar therapist for you because you obviously need it. Bad.” Universe, thank you.
I’ve met with my new therapist about five times over the past two months and she’s helped me so much.
If you watch the vlog in question, you can probably make out when I started therapy, because my whole being/presentation/attitude changes. I sort of lighten up (and start wearing makeup again because I wasn’t crying every five minutes).
Funnily enough, when I met with my mentor today for the first time after a two month break, she said something along the same lines. Something like “The way you’re talking about the book is so much better; you’ve got a handle on it.” It felt amazing to hear that from her--and that she, too, had noticed the change I’m feeling within.
There are a few books/things I’ve done during this depression bout that I want to share, in case they’ll help anyone else.
Therapy. Duh.
The Comfort Book by Matt Haig. I have yet to read any of his fiction, though I have The Midnight Library on my shelf. This was an impulse buy, which made me feel guilty, bc unemployed, etc. But it’s probably the best $15 I’ve spent this year. It’s such an honest book about depression and the things that helped him stay alive. I was never suicidal in this bout (or before), but I was miserable, and knowing that I shouldn’t be. My life is great. My home is stable; my husband is beyond wonderful; my family is happier than they’ve been in ages; my friends are a fantastic support system; I don’t have a soul-sucking job anymore; I have a 2 Constellation Diluc in Genshin Impact. (Some of these may be more important than others, who’s to say.) How could I justify being depressed when things were, on paper, so wonderful? I still don’t know the answer to this, but my mindset has changed. And a big part of that is The Comfort Book. I keep it by my bedside and read a few pages whenever I feel sad. I cry with that book, I write in that book, I just hold it sometimes. It’s the equivalent of a teddy bear. I showed it to my therapist and she loved it. If you have $15 and are depressed, get this book. The piece of wisdom that’s stuck with me the most can be paraphrased thusly: “The first part of climbing a mountain is acknowledging it’s there.” Guh. Right to the gut.
Meditating, sometimes 2 or 3 or 4 times a day through use of the Calm app. I got the lifetime membership sometime last year when it was on sale for $160 (down from $399) and it’s been the best purchase of my life. I use it to fall asleep; I use it to calm down; I use it when I worry I’ve used too many lists with semicolons in this essay.
Yoga with Adriene. I know, I know. I’m a cliche. But it works!!! And Benji!!!!
Running. I used to hate running. Now, I don’t love it, but I do it because it’s good for me and I always feel good once I’m out there.
Run With the Wind anime. I watched it with my husband over this past week and it’s one of the best anime I’ve ever seen. Prince gets me.
Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies by Tara Schuster. I bought this book before I quit my job, purely for its title and Glennon Doyle’s blurb on the back. I’ve read about two thirds of it and while I haven’t done everything in it, it’s helped. Specifically....
Morning Pages. A concept from The Artist’s Way by Jane Cameron, gifted to me by a friend a couple of years ago. I’ve been doing them for about a week straight, and damn it if they don’t help. I don’t know how, they just do. (They are writing 3 pages longhand the first thing you do when you get up. Before coffee, after peeing. It’s magic. I can’t explain it.)
Buying Magazines. Are they stupid? Yes. Are they impractical? Double yes. Could I read them online for free? Of course. But does having a lovely, aesthetically pleasing magazine all about Fall make me fucking happy? Yes. Yes, it does. I “Bought Myself the Fucking Magazines” and have loved flipping through them.
The song, “Rut” by The Killers. The best representation of depression in a song I know. If you listen to it, prepare to cry.
Freshening Up Our House. I’m going through all my shit. Mental cleaning is helped by actual physical cleaning. As Rosianna Halse Rojas said in a vlog once, “Tidy flat, tidy mind.” I made myself an art of it that hangs on my fridge even now. I’ve gone through our water bottles, our video games, my clothes, (some of) my books, pens, and office supplies. Having less is somehow more. Plus I sold the video games for about $200, so that was awesome.
Drinking less. Alcoholism runs in my family, so I’ve discussed this with my nurse and my therapists at length, and we all agree I don’t have a problem, but it’s something to keep note of considering my family’s issues. For about two weeks, I only drank socially. Now I’m drinking mindfully and not pressuring myself. It’s a nice change.
Getting a goddamn tattoo. One of the things I’ve always been anxious about is doing anything permanent--anything you can’t take back in case you do it wrong (read, imperfectly). And tattoos, while technically removable, are pretty damn permanent. So I got myself a mental health tattoo: a pause sign on my inner left wrist. Whenever I notice I’m spiralling, I physically pause myself and count to ten. Conquering this fear made me confident and every time I see it, I feel a little badass and powerful. It also gave me a strange moment of connection when I was at a baseball game last month--so many people there had tattoos who I would never talk to or feel any kind of kinship with. But when I saw their tattoos, I looked down at my wrist and realized I was now part of a group of people who know what getting a tattoo feels like. In the midst of a pandemic, I’ll take whatever sense of connection with the world I can, thanks.
Twelve small things that when I pile them all together have made a lot of big changes. I’m happier, sleeping better, reading more, and drinking less.
I write this not to pat myself on the back, but... yeah, actually, a little bit to pat myself on the back. Because when I filmed that first clip, I didn’t know what the hell was going on in my life. I felt lost, adrift, totally useless. And now, I don’t feel that horrible listlessness anymore.
Of course, those feelings will probably come back again someday. As Charish Reid told me, “You’re going to deal with this for the rest of your life.” I really didn’t want to hear it when she told me that as I cried my heart out to her over a video chat. But now I take comfort in that statement. Part of why my tattoo has meant so much to me is that it is claiming that I’m a fucking anxious mess sometimes. I’m owning that about myself, instead of pretending it is something that happened to me only before my weddings and doesn’t bother me anymore.
I’m acknowledging the mountain now.
Thanks for reading, and if you’re having a hard time right now, please hang on. The world needs you. We can’t climb this mountain alone.
